I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
