dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Pooping to opera.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
