all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
