someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
