i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
