proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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