You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
