They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
