You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Did we literally take a cab across the street
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
