we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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