There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
