Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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