It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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