Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize