I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
