I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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