Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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