Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
