I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
