How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize