Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
