he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
