Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
