Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
