words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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