Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
