No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
