The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
