I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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