I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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