sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
