8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
