It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
