Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
