I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
