I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My day in three words: secret purse cake
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
