You can't motorboat a personality
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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