Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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