I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
