if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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