Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
