It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize