She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
