I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
