Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
