i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
