i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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