I just pynch a tree in the face
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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