if you like me you must not know who I am
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
