I will die if light touches me.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize