she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
