Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
two words...techno handjob
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize