I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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