You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
BRING THE BAGELS
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
