Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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