I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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