it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
