If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
