Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
