Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
