Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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