Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
